Unknown Companion

To be perfectly honest, I don't know how to start on this particular subject.  I did kind of touch on this before...when Preacher Man and I got married, nine years ago, we never thought that we would have any issue with having kiddos.  Sure enough about nine months into our journey together, Preacher Man was working at a private school as a music teacher for Pre-K through 8th grade.  I was working at a day care taking care of eight one year olds.  I had this very strange dream that I had a baby boy and within days we found out that we were expecting!  I was extremely sick with this pregnancy.  Everything would upset my stomach.  I could barely keep water and my prenatal pills down.  When I went in for my sixteen week check up, they never found a heartbeat.  I felt numb going home and knowing that my baby had died.  It was 100% percent out of my control.  The months ahead were difficult to say the least.  Preacher Man came to me and said he was feeling God calling him into the ministry and also to go to seminary.  We moved in with my parents to prepare for this move.  We found a job taking care of 8 preteen girls at a children's home that was close to seminary and because of our schedule Preacher Man couldn't take too many classes.

When at the children's home, I was able to learn a lot about myself.  Those girls taught me some amazing things.  I never imagined that I could care so much for kids that hated me at first.  All of them have graduated high school now, but I would still open my home to any of them.  During my time there, I had days that I felt that we may be able to start again with having children.  There were many growing families there, but Preacher Man and I were never able to conceive.  People around us were praying, I was praying...I began to study women in the bible that had difficulty conceiving.  When I studied, Hannah and how she gave her womb over to God and gave Samuel back to God at a young age.  I prayed that God would use me and that I wouldn't plan or control when God wanted me to be a mom.  When we felt God calling us into full time ministry, I had put having a family in the back of my mind even though Isaiah was NEVER far from my thoughts. Within weeks of moving to our first church, we found out that we were pregnant.  Things started moving so quickly in ministry.  Before I knew it, I was eight months pregnant going to Juarez Mexico on a mission trip and going to my brothers wedding in Florida.  I was so blessed to have Cutie Pie come into my life, then in no time at all, we had Sweet Pea.  My life was full of pink, hair bows, and princesses.  And still there was this longing for a boy.

Sunday at church they talked about the sanctity of life.  Our pastor talked about the life of his oldest son and how many lives he has touched.  It made me think about Isaiah.  Just the thought of Preacher Man as a dad to his little boy.  All the tender times he has had with his girls and thinking about that with his son. When we lost Isaiah he had written a song for him.  It is a song that helps me to celebrate not the loss of my son, but the gain of life he has with Jesus.  God give and takes away all in his timing.  I am learning this more and more.  When each of the girls were born I tried to remember the sacrifice that Hannah made in giving Samuel back to God.  I do struggle at times with trying to be in control of them and my life with them.  When we were at Ignite this weekend, God was working on me with my control issues with my girls.  There was a moment that God allowed me to feel peace that surpasses my understanding.  In that moment know one else knew it but God and myself.  I fully believe that God is helping me to continue to heal.  My unknown companion for years has been a burden to me and sometimes a joy, believe it or not.  I look at that first year after losing Isaiah as a trial that I asked God, "why?".  I had someone tell me that I was going through this with Isaiah to one day be able to help someone going through a similar situation and give glory to God.

Preacher Man and I don't honestly know if we will have any more children at this point in our lives.  I would love one more child down the road a bit.  I have no plans.  I want to walk the path that God has planned for me.